She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
