walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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