hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
