Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
