My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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