when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
