When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
