there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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