i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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