I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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