kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
