I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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