Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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