My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
