Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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