the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I can feel your judgement through the phone
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
