then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
