he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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