You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
