Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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