two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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