i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
