I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
