So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
