I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
