I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
