so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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