Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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