I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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