I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Don't make out with my wife yet
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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