I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
