she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
