morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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