This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
