I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Success! We fucked roommates!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
