Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
did i walk over a car last night?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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