I can't breathe out the right side of my face
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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