i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
