i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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