Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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