I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
