She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
