Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
