it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
