do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
