I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
