Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
