For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize