We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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