lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
