I think I won the penis lottery.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
